Inner turmoil

There’s always something. It seems like everything fell apart all at once. I’ve got 2 of my girls (Blue and Smiley <—- is that what I named my 13 year old placement? I can’t remember) in a Tuesday night intervention group at home that the girls lovingly call Talking Tuesdays. We pretty much have a personalized self help/enrichment meeting in our bedroom, it’s really been eye-opening and helpful when addressing behaviors. It forces the girls to be held accountable for said behaviors. It’s a self exploratory that’s guided by us, the parents!

My difficult placement continues to spiral out of control; there was a school threat and things have escalated quite dramatically. The child is becoming more and more volatile; school, home, and after care have all noted the concern, it is unsettling. Imagine being stuck in a current fight or flight status, how awful this poor boy must feel. My heart aches for him… I’m pushing harder than ever to have him placed in a therapuetic environment, he needs help. This boy is exhausting himself emotionally, I simply cannot imagine his inner turmoil. I, too, am emotionally drained and I’m done repairing things this child has destroyed. From holes in the walls, writing on walls, breaking dresser drawers, ripping a ceiling fan from ceiling, drawing with a permanent marker all over his bedding and bed frame, constant supervision is 100% necessary and my lack of supervision is to blame. This child is not a typical 8 year old boy, oh no. This sweet child has endured years of trauma, trauma overlooked by everyone that he trusted in his life. Again, my heart aches. I simply cannot imagine being in his shoes, why do parents neglect their children? How could anyone purposefully treat a child in a way that could damage them? This is the shitty side of foster care. Defeat.

I’m not a perfect mom. I’ve screwed up quite a bit during my years as a parent, I still screw up. No on really knows what they’re doing when it comes to parenting but if you truly care and are doing your absolute best; hats off to you! Educate yourself, ask for help, read books, YouTube, anything and everything could be used as a parenting tool. My favorite educational tool in regards to raising children is parents I admire, they’re always keen on giving their parenting tools to anyone who’s interested. Seeing as I’m struggling with half my gaggle of children it’s hard for me to hone in on better parenting techniques. It’s extremely difficult to parent anyone in my home when I’ve got a full time job with my difficult placement, I feel as if I’m unavailable to parent other children because I’ve exhausted myself on every level tending to the troublesome child.

I’m less of a mother.

Talk about a painful realization. I’ve got less time to police Boychild’s homework, grades, and video game time. I’ve got less time to help with Honors English papers, ask about peer relationships, and recent accomplishments with Blue, Smiley, and Biscuit. I’ve been completely unavailable to my older, grown daughters who are living away from home. I’ve got less time bonding with my other placement who I’ve not written about in so long that I cannot remember her alias on my blog. I’ve got less time to read with Lemon and less time to wrestle with Bunny. I noticed last night as I had all of the kids leave the kitchen while preparing dinner, that used to be a time when we came together to cut vegetables and learn about nutrition. I had to ask them to leave as my difficult placement is my shadow and simply cannot operate within groups. My family is suffering without a mother. I am responsible for this. These reasons are precisely why I’m pushing for a therapuetic home for this young boy, I simply cannot give him what he needs and I’m no longer willing to sacrifice my family dynamic.

It’s not up to me where this child goes, the case team will find something on their time and that’s just fine. I simply need a light at the end of my tunnel, a simple ray of hope to keep me going. I’ve been in the dark for such a long time. Just because I’ve asked for a move doesn’t mean it’s going to be granted; however there is the option of my volunteering a disruption via my licensing agency. I’m not quite there… where I throw my hands into the air and quit, I’m pleased that the case team finally heard my words and is considering moving the child. That’s just enough for me right now and I’m choosing to make the best of it.

I said no.

I’ve always struggled with saying no when I get the call from my agency trying to place a child. I’m the yes woman, I always want to help. Short term, yes. Out of my age range, yes. Possibly permanent, yes. Both Husband and I agreed when we first started providing a home for foster children that medically fragile, sexual behaviors, or extreme anger just wouldn’t fit in. We want to keep our family safe and we want to be mentally sound and not constantly stressed out. Oddly enough, the case that was presented wasn’t any of those things. You see, I’ve learned about family dynamics, I know that taking on this case could potentially take something from my current placements or my bio children. I wanted to say yes but that would be selfish of me. I wanted to say yes, my heart hurts.

I’m feeling sad right now, I wanted to say yes but with the case presented I knew it just couldn’t work. I feel more sad that I was specifically requested by my agency to take on this child; I said no. I feel like I let a child down, I feel like I let my agency down, I feel like I let the DYFS down. Deep down I know what I chose was the right choice; it still hurts. I want a third placement, I want to help my community, I want to help a child.

This is not part of the training, no one said I would feel these ranges of emotions. No one told me I would feel like a failure. No one told me that I would feel like I personally let a child down. Foster care is hard.

I’m going to try to hang onto some positive feelings, I’m going to build a blanket fort with my kids. I’m going to laugh, smile, and play, with them and try to remind myself that I did what was right. I hope we get another call soon.

FINALLY.

We are officially licensed as of yesterday, yesterday we had two calls about placements. QUICK! After all of the stuff we had been through during the last year in this journey-I feel relieved.

Lucky for you, I’ll be blogging again. I had to put blogging on a stand still because I just had nothing positive to say about my previous case worker, the other licensing establishment, and the current process. Now that most of that is behind me; I feel I can be positive. We were assigned a great case worker (still with AZCA, oddly enough) who fixed the mess that was left behind for her, I am very grateful for her and I trust her. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted and I feel excited, anxious, and happy.

Friday the girls and I are going to Anaheim for a 2 day cheer competition. This is a big one, I hear it will have over 700 teams! That is a lot of glitter, bows, and enthusiasm. I wasn’t planning on bringing Lemon with me but things have since come up and she will be joining us on our journey. The boy child, will not, does not, cannot come…unless his dad comes then he said ‘fine.’ In a few weeks we will all be traveling (husband and boy child too!) to San Diego for the last cheer competition of the season, it’s another big one.

Boy child had a nasty wreck on his dirt bike about 5 weeks ago, he crashed in soft sand in a wash while had been camping. Apparently when he had crashed, he was flung off, the dirt bike rolled down the hill and smashed him. The kid had two black eyes! He had his protective pants and jersey on, a helmet on, goggles on, a chest protector on… but he still managed to get up, kick it, and get going again. He is such a trouper.

THE END….for now!