It’s a great day!

Today I’m in my size 7 jeans, albeit I’ve got a tiny muffin top if I don’t stand up straight. I’m in them and I can function and breathe. Today I hit my goal weight that’s why I decided to try them on, can I get a “hell yeah?” To some people a 7 is not small at all… for me that’s what size I was from age 15-26ish. My weight fluctuated from 26-36ish and now I’m in pretty good shape. I’m not a small girl, I’m nearly 6 ft tall with hands like catchers mitts and feet like boats. Cue Duce Bigalow.

I feel good. I’ve continued intermittent fasting, quit drinking, and stopped having ice cream for dinner on the long days when I’ve been running nonstop to get everything done. Ah, don’t get me wrong, I still have my donuts and diet soda it’s just been a clean up your act ordeal. I need to be healthy to continue to be an active mom! Plus I’m going to look banging hot in my bikini this summer. Added bonus: my daughter and I wear the same size clothing.

We have been having Tuesday night meetings with out troublesome teens in the home; a couple of the girls are working on personal growth and development. We have them working on interpersonal skills, conflict resolution, accountibility statements, and reevaluating personal relationships. It is being received well and I hope the girls can apply these lessons into everyday life.

Boychild is doing well, he had stepped up in regards to responsibility! He is doing well with being a positive role model to his younger sisters and is taking accountability when he does stupid stuff. I’m incredibly proud of him. In addition; he is doing fairly well with maintaining positive relationships with his older sisters as well. Boychild has always been our difficult child but our preseverance is apparent.

The younger girls are doing well. No major milestones or achievements. Although, I do wish they’d be nicer to one another.

Biscuit had a birthday, she’s now 15! I have successfully kept a child alive for 15 years, go me! This kid is very much like me, she and I often do or say the same things at the same time. I’m proud of her and now we start driving, eeek!

From this fat lil brown haired baby

To the brunette woman she is today.

In regards to home life things are looking up, I’m looking forward to some positive changes in regards to my current placements. Today is a good day.

A child’s manual.

That’s what I’m currently working on. My difficult placement is going to respite care this weekend, at a place that once said ‘never again’ in regards to looking after him. However, car salesman caseworker figured something out because we are going to a cheer competition this weekend and had planned this months ago. We previously arranged respite services out of the area with a family member but the family member cancelled due to illness.

I’m writing the only tips and tricks I know. There isn’t much to say except Godspeed.

In other news, this weekend is both Biscuit’s and Husband’s birthdays! We have a few things planned this weekend for birthday festivities but the real fun will be on St. Paddy’s Day! 🍀 The Pot of Gold festival. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to attend or not, I hope I can work something out. I’d better pack… Ugh. Viva Las Vegas!

I went on a date.

Husband and I went to the Opera. It was truly a spectacle! I wasn’t ultra keen on going but it was an invite only event and I’ve been dying to get out of the house as my life of travel and outings have been null due to a difficult placement. The Opera was beautiful, funny, exciting, and impressive. If you’ve never gone I highly recommend giving it a shot, hey, it may not be your thing but imagine if it is!

After the Opera we met up with friends and enjoyed a few hours of adult company. I miss adult company and traveling. During the last 6 months we have not traveled leisurely anywhere (only for cheer competitions.) That is unheard of for our family! We missed our trip to Knott’s Berry Farm and Huntington Beach last October and two other getaways since then. I’ve not been able to visit either of my older daughters in Colorado nor at the University of Arizona. I’ve not been able to visit my girl friend in Phoenix who has a new house that I’m dying to see. It’s getting to me. I’ve lost my identity, I’ve sacrificed it to the greater good and I’ve never been unhappier. I’ve been internally struggling with this for weeks; I’ve been a Debbie Downer in a majority of my posts regarding my difficult placement. It’s a sad fact, after going out and doing some things it was blatantly clear that I’m miserable.

It’s obvious that something needs to change, it’s been 6 months and I’m not getting anywhere. My resources are garbage and I’m unable to do this on my own. I feel like no one is taking me seriously. We recently had a CFT regarding my difficult placement and I made it VERY clear that I’m hanging on by a thread. Disrupting is a very real concern at this point. The team was shocked. I mean, I’ve been telling them for 6 months that this isn’t the correct placement for this child as he cannot function within a group. My family is a group. I’ve voiced my concerns countlessly. In any case; they’re sending in a team of people into our home to help with him. Wonderful. <—– that’s dripping with sarcasm.

Hopefully we’ll have a solution soon, reunification or moving… I’m spent. Some of my readers are thinking to themselves that I signed up for this and you’re absolutely correct. However, my family and my mental health comes first. I simply cannot neglect my family because of a foster placement. I will not. I’ve given it my best shot and sometimes you’ve got to know when it’s time to say ‘enough.’

It’s funny how a date put all of this in motion, isn’t it?

The problem isn’t the problem… your reaction is.

I’ve learned a lot during my 37 years on earth, but the most valuable lesson I’ve learned is about human reactions. I’ve learned that people want reactions in every aspect of life, whether it’s praise for a job well done or something critical that hurts a person. We have all done things for be particular reactions; hello human nature.

React or respond.

Reactions are quick, they’re developed in an instant. When you do or say something without thinking… you’re on auto pilot and your unconscious brain does the footwork. For some people it’s a defense mechanism; rest assured that most people regret reactions later. Responding is a slower process; instead of that quick clap back you tend to be more logical and you consider the other persons feelings in addition to putting yourself in their position.

I often struggle with my unconscious side during day to day interactions, I react. I run my mouth, I’m boisterous, uncouth, and generally unremorseful of the sometimes hurtful things I say. However, when it comes to parenting or conflict I’ve got the responding part in the bag. I don’t yell. Wait. I do yell but I don’t yell at people. I holler down the hall at the kids to stop fighting or playing ball in the house like any other parent. I’ve learned when you yell at someone they stop listening.

React = loss of power.

Respond = empowerment.

You can change. Train your brain! Get the education on your own time, you don’t need a training or class. You have Google… what a time to be alive! If you’d rather not read articles, watch YouTube videos, or pick up a book you can start by trying self help. Simple things to ask yourself to start the process are what would be a better response? Could I have been more compassionate? Why did I react that way?

Another cheer weekend in the books

We ended up in Palm Springs! Loud was provided respite out of area with a family member. Unfortunately, since that visit his behaviors have gotten significantly worse.

The cheer weekend was a long one but a good one. Day one of these big competitions are anyways exciting but day two I was completely exhausted. Then the drive home late at night, eeek. We are having a tough season, the competition is fierce!

In other news, my boys 12th birthday is Friday! Holy moly. I’m excited to spend the day with him on his special day. His big plans include buying a pillow at Big Lot’s, visiting GameStop, and getting a frozen treat.

I’m mentally exhausted but still hanging on. I’m finding little glimmers of hope in regards to my difficult foster placement. My two other foster placements are doing good, they’re working on the things that need addressing and pushing forward. I’ve witnessed positive changes and it’s really rewarding. It’s the typical push and pull of placements but it’s 100 percent manageable.

Viva Palm Springs?

I think we’re going! Car Salesman Caseworker apparently arranged for transportation to meet me in a different city on my way out of town tomorrow. I’m truly skeptical. However, I’ve got to have faith… Right?! It’s a good thing I’m the wing it type of person and not the insane planning type.

I still haven’t told husband about this fiasco, yeah bad wife, in my defense he is so fed up he would have called and demanded that someone pick up this child right this minute. If you think I’m teetering on the edge with this difficult child… imagine my husband being, at the least, 110% more done than me. Did that make sense?! You see, Husband is the planning type and he needs a full itinerary days in advance to departure. Plus, he is getting REALLY frustrated with not being able to do the things he’s used to doing. Y’all better have a solid relationship before considering foster care because times get trying! Making sacrifices is necessary; but to sacrifice nearly half a year and see no change is enough to drive anyone batty and ruin relationships. For real.

Husband is going on a solo boys trip to decompress. He needs it, work is stressful and the coming home is stressful… he has no downtime. And weekends are supposed to be fun at home with the family, instead we are divided. Husband is required to take on much more during the weekend as we are no longer able to do things as a family unit. It’s either him or me taking everyone to do stuff, someone must remain home with Loud.

I’m going on a date with Husband, it has been over 5 months since we’ve been able to date. That’s 25 missed dates, we previously date weekly. In any case, we are going on an overnight date next month, were going to the Opera! (Granted we can find respite for Loud. I can easily get all the other kids looked after but absolutely no one in my circle will watch him.) In any case, I’m psyched to go have a fancy dinner and go to the Opera. I get to buy a new dress. 💕

We also got another cat, this is the last one. Seriously, we have lost 2 to coyotes and it’s awful feeling knowing that you’re responsible for them and they met an unfortunate demise. Copurnicus was a trouper, she was a straight thug. She was run over by side by sides twice, survived the tree incident, and she loved being outdoors. Icarus was a young cat, he wasn’t allowed outdoors unsupervised. He mostly staying in the backyard with us and he liked swimming in the pool. That dumbass ran out the garage during a rainstorm; I sent the kids out to look for him but he wasn’t found. I called the humane society after the rain let up (the next day) and they had picked up his remains earlier that morning. Poor babies. Stella, our new furbaby isn’t allowed outdoors at all. We weren’t going to get another cat but I really missed Icarus and the kids were quite sad. We adopted this cat and she was an outdoor cat previously so she tries to get out all the damn time. I may buy a kitty harness.

Itermittent fasting

Guys, GUYS. Pay attention. The last 3 weeks I’ve bought into this intermittent fasting thing, it’s working. At first I thought it was absolutely ridiculous, I mean come on not eating for 14-18 hours at a time?! That’s insane, I like to eat ALL the time. But, if you want jink about it the average person gets 6-8 hours a sleep per night. Then skip breakfast and then eat whatever during your non fast window. I like having dinner with my family every night, my fast starts at 7pm and ends at 11am. From 11am until 7pm I can eat when ever and whatever. I still get treats (I love white frosted donuts from the bakery,) and I’ve noticed I’m eating less. I’ve dropped a substantial amount of water weight and I feel pretty good. The best thing about intermittent fasting is that you can switch it up, if you have a breakfast date with a girlfriend you can move your time block to accommodate. Plus, I can still eat cake! Win/win in my book.

It looks like I’m winning this weight loss challenge, I’ve still got a little bit to go… I’m confidant! I’m still on the struggle bus with my body fat percentage, I was told to have my feet a little bit wet when I weigh in and it could give me a better body fat percentage. I’ve got some dry, crusty, feet y’all. I’ve got desert feet, calloused from the elements! 😂